The Good Ones are Always Late

So, i generally pride myself. With wit, one-liners, repartee, being oversmart...you know the usual bullshit that makes you feel good.

But first a little story my mum told me when i was small.

Draw a line.
Now make it short. Without using an eraser.

Answer:
Draw another line that's longer.

Clearly, the moral there was that you become a bigger person by doing better, being better...not by making someone else feel small.

I am somewhere in between. Usually I try being better but I can't resist chances of making someone feel smaller when they do come by.

Par aksar, unfortunately aisa hota hai ki the smart rejoinders i have are late.
Sort of like the repartee happens when person is departee.
I shall now compile them in this blog.

1. A senior servicing idiot said to me, when I praised some decent work done by a colleague; 'Who the hell cares about your opinion, you small fry?'

Perfect Rejoinder: I'm sorry. I didn't know you had to be bald & ugly to have an opinion that matters.
Actual Rejoinder: Umm..err.. *run

2.An angry relative fighting with me over the phone and threatening me by saying stuff like
'I don't care a fuck about you. Fuck off and the like'

Perfect Rejoinder: Why don't you take all your anger, convert it into a heart-attack and die? Your family's insured anyway.
Actual Rejoinder: *click

3. This fruit in servicing who's dumb, stupid, annoying, very punjabi and chikna is carrying a phone that's hot pink & ugly. I ask him 'why the fuck you have this phone?' So, he says, 'What's your problem Ira? I'm a metrosexual man'

Pefect Rejoinder: See, you can either be a metrosexual man or a heterosexual one.
Actual Rejoinder: Ok.

4. Irritating servicing chick who's plain braindead is fighting with me about some stupid brief.
And giving me gyaan.

Perfect Rejoinder: I would donate you half of my brain, but you seem to be in the habit of not using brains for some reason.
Actual Rejoinder: SAME AS ABOVE

5. Annoying idiot contesting some stupid discussion, gets animated and more annoying and says to me, exasperated, pointing to his forehead, 'kya likha hai yahaan pe?'

Perfect Rejoinder: C-H-U-T-I...
Actual Rejoinder: SAME AS ABOVE

So, anyway, I can't think of any more but there've been plenty. Some where my brain's been my best friend & most where it's woken up after 2 years (reference point no.1)

Oh and ya, I've used, 'Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn' a lot.

Oh well,

So i recently have been facing a lot of problems that are related to the 4 letter word that i personally think is absolutely wonderful.

I mean why would anyone have a problem with it?

Is it because it's socially unacceptable? But then again, its not as if i'm doing anything publically right? And, anyone why should someone else have a problem if i indulge in it?? Even so, it's not your money that's being spent right? its my own. So what the hell?

BEER. I am in love with beer. i'd marry beer ok. And i won't go into my personal favourite style of writing the top-10-reasons-why-beer-is-better-than-a-man deal, yes yes you're very happy you're spared, but i really have been hearing way too much abt my drinking. And it's pissing off.

People really have a problem with my beer yaar. Look at some of the reasons i've been told.

1. You are a woman and beer affects reproduction.
2. You're gonna have kids someday.
3. Beer harms ovaries.
4. Your kids will be deformed.
5. Women need to be careful coz they bear children.

Now, now. I'm not lying.
I should quit beer for that?? what the fuck?? What abt my liver? Like my liver's not important. Or how abt you know all the brain cells i destroy? Or the fact that beer makes you fat or something??

Bolderdash. Hogwash. Bullshit.

Its all this pretentious crap i really have an itch about. Ira needs to have kids so she shouldn't touch beer. I'll bite if ppl express some concern abt my innocent liver.

And until then, its Cheers!

About Me

I got a lot of flak (not just from Saurabh) about the About Me section i filled out.

It earlier said, I wish Beer tasted like Water.

That was coz well, i dunno, just i felt like that at that moment. I now feel, and forever
"I wish Water tasted like Beer"

So, if water did taste like beer, there would be advantages...i mean some real incredibly obvious ones. But since this happens to be MY blog, it follows that i can post anything. (except music for some reason)

So ya,

1. Water won't get you busted like beer (smell).
2. Water won't make you fat.
3. Water won't get you fat bills either (even at the fanciest of places)
4. Most places in fact, it'd be FREE!
5. Everyone would encourage you to drink more of it.
6. It'd be available in office in huge 25 ltr tanks!!
7. You'd cut down on your smoking, coz only alcohol doubles intake of nicotine.
8. Cops wouldn't care if you had it openly.
9. Water, water everywhere. Not a drop to drink would be WRONG.
10. Rain water WOULD be harvested. With great glee.

I don't know the other advantages, but i'm presuming there've got to be some.

Don't comment on my writing, yes?

A Stamp of Cool

That is Tommy Lee. And tattoos look cool on him.

They don't look cool on you.

On you, they're pretentious and fake.

Let me tell you what. Indians aren;t cool. They just plain aren't and they should start acceptinng that fact. We can only pretend to be cool. But this breed I'm referring to, is fake and pretentious. It's everything i'm surrounded by and hate.

so, ya back to tattoos. A cupid on your left breast? A dragon on your stupid non-existent bicep? An Om or a Swastik anywhere on your fake self?

Give me a freakin' break. Get a life, and do us all a big favour. I don't know when tattoos went from self-expression or just good ol' decoration to being the ultimate symbol of COOL.

And i'll tell u another finding, yes. It's no great insight i admit but i have to rid my system of this. When someone gets a tattoo, they have this irresistible urge to show it. No one wants to see it, no one cares. But like i knew this idiot in advertising, who would also dress only in black...so he got some stupid worthless tattoo done on the nape of his ugly dark neck. And suddenly, he started wearing his shirts with the the top 3-4 buttons open so he could fling back his shirt on every possible occassion. JUst to show off. How stupid.

My cousin got an incredibly ugly tattoo done after her break-up. It was a black rose, entwined with barbed wire. Cool?

You'd concur it's not. But you'd still show YOUR tattoo around.

Maddira??

It just struck me that many of you who will bother
to read my worthless blog, are going to say,

Rants? That's so Maddox.

or

Hate? That's so Maddox.

or

Ya, you get the drift.

Well, its not ok. I have my own angst against society
and also a right to express it. Ok, now I just sound
like some idiot advocating human rights or something.

Either way, if any of you tell me that the general feel
of my blog is close to Maddox's, i will delete your comment :-p

PS - Madira is a nice name.

That's not COOL.

I happen to know all kinds of people.
They are, every kind but mine.

Know that line from that song,
I'd walk with my people if i could find them.

So anyway, a bunch of people i know and am
also ahem, related to, are the loud kind.
And believe me i've tried my hardest to convince them
that they aren't cool, that's not cool.

You know the reply i get unfailingly, persistently?
But IRA!! That's so HOT.

or

But IRA!! It's so SEXY.

or the simple, works-like-a-charm reply,

SHUT UP.

I don't get it. How do you convince a bunch of teenagers
or youngsters who have testesterone guiding everything,
that it's not cool?

sory, I forgot to mention the 'it'.

The 'it' is loud music, tinted glasses, alloy wheels, stuff
written on cars (you know the DEVIL BOY, DADDY"S GIFT kind)
along with funky sound systems and punjabi music.

Abhi kaise bataao ki yeh toh cool nahi hai bhai?

And it's not just my opinion at work here...it's for the betterment
of everyone.

What i have been told is that 'they' think it's cool coz ppl around
them call it that. But how??

What could possibly be cool about driving at 120, with fuckin bass
and woofer and sucky music, black windows, and you know an
attitude that sucks dick??

I;m on a mission. My sole motive in life henceforth is going to be
finding an answer to this. How to tell someone That's not Cool.

And hopefully, convincing them too.

Another crummy introduction

I will rant a lot, i will bitch about people and human nature in general, my job
will top that list, i might follow templates like TOP 10 things
I HATE, i will not give you anything marvellous to read,
no great literary pieces, poems, stories - NOTHING.

I will try and stay away from advertising.

Still interested?